Lasting Longer in Bed: An Empathetic Guide to Overcoming Premature Ejaculation

Premature ejaculation (PE) means reaching orgasm and ejaculating sooner than you or your partner would like during sex. It's one of the most common sexual concerns for men – research suggests that about 1 in 3 men have experienced PE at some point in their lives.

You Are Not Broken

If you've been feeling embarrassed or frustrated about finishing too quickly, know that you are not alone, and there is nothing "wrong" with you. In fact, occasionally climaxing faster than expected is normal for most men ( source ).

There Is Hope

The encouraging news is that premature ejaculation is highly treatable. With some simple techniques, exercises, and a better understanding of your body, you can learn to have more control over your climax. This guide will walk you through why PE happens, dispel some myths, and teach you step-by-step strategies to last longer in bed. Throughout this journey, we'll maintain an empathetic, non-judgmental tone – think of it as chatting with a friendly sexual health educator who truly understands what you're going through.

By the end, you'll hopefully feel reassured, empowered, and optimistic. PE does not have to hold you back from a satisfying sex life. Let's take this one step at a time, and remember: there's plenty of hope and help available.

Causes of Premature Ejaculation

A Mix of Factors

You might be wondering why this is happening to you. Rest assured, premature ejaculation is usually caused by a mix of factors – it's rarely due to just one thing, and it's not your fault. Experts used to think PE was purely psychological, but we now know it involves both mind and body influences.

Psychological / Emotional Factors

Many men with PE find that their mental state and emotions play a big role. For example, if you feel anxious, tense, or stressed (perhaps you're very eager to please your partner or worried about your performance), that adrenaline and nervous energy can make you climax faster.

Performance anxiety – basically being so nervous about doing well in bed that you can't relax – is a frequent culprit. Past experiences can contribute too: if you've had to rush during sex or masturbation before (say, to avoid getting caught), your body may have gotten "trained" to finish quickly. Other factors like relationship issues, guilty feelings about sex, or even depression or a poor body image can also heighten tension and arousal speed.

The key point is that your mind influences your body – when you're on edge or not fully comfortable, your body may hit the "finish line" sooner ( source ).

Physical / Biological Factors

On the physical side, every man's body is a bit different, and some bodies are more prone to early ejaculation. Oversensitivity of the penis is one factor – some men simply feel intense stimulation more quickly. There can also be differences in brain chemistry or hormone levels that affect the timing of ejaculation ( source ). For instance, lower levels of a brain chemical called serotonin are linked with faster ejaculation in some cases (which is why certain antidepressant medications that boost serotonin can help PE).

Sometimes an underlying medical issue might contribute: hormone imbalances (like thyroid problems), or inflammation of the prostate or urethra (the tube inside the penis) can play a role. Even genetics might make someone naturally climax faster – think of it as some guys are just wired that way by default. Additionally, if you struggle with erectile dysfunction (difficulty keeping an erection), you might habitually rush to climax before losing your erection, which becomes a learned pattern ( source ).

No shame or guilt

It's really important to remember that premature ejaculation is not a character flaw or a lack of self-control. It can happen due to very normal biological and psychological reasons that are largely out of your conscious control. Understanding the possible causes is useful only so that you realize you're not "broken" – there are real, treatable reasons behind PE. And often, the anxiety about PE itself can worsen the cycle, which is why breaking that cycle with the techniques we'll discuss is so helpful.

Common Myths and Expectations

Myth: "Everyone Else Lasts Forever"

This is a myth. In reality, the average time from the start of intercourse to ejaculation is only around five minutes. Yes, you read that right – about five minutes is typical. Many guys think they're supposed to last 20, 30 minutes or more because of what they see in movies, but real life is different. Those marathon sessions in porn are often edited or the actors take breaks off-camera. So if you're lasting only a few minutes, you are actually quite normal in the grand scheme of things.

Myth: "I Have to Last Longer to Satisfy My Partner"

Not necessarily. Great sex isn't just about a set number of minutes of penetration. Many women (and men) orgasm from foreplay, oral sex, or other kinds of stimulation, not just intercourse. In fact, focusing only on the clock can make sex more stressful and less pleasurable for both of you. It's often quality over quantity. A shorter intercourse can still be immensely satisfying if both partners are engaged, enjoying themselves, and if other needs (like clitoral stimulation for women) are being met.

Myth: "PE Means I'm Not Manly or I'm a Bad Lover"

This is absolutely false. PE is a common medical issue and does not reflect your masculinity or your feelings for your partner. You can be a wonderful, caring lover and still sometimes finish quickly. What matters is being attentive to your partner and making sure both of you feel good. And if lasting longer is something you want to improve, it's just a skill to build – it says nothing negative about you as a person.

Let Go of Unrealistic Standards

By busting these myths, we hope you feel less alone and less pressured to meet some imaginary standard. There's no stopwatch that determines a "successful" sexual encounter. The goal is for you and your partner to enjoy yourselves, whatever the duration, and to work together (with the tips below) to improve things at a comfortable pace.

Techniques and Strategies to Last Longer

An hourglass with sand running through it, symbolizing the importance of timing and patience in learning to last longer. Now that we've covered the basics, let's dive into practical techniques you can use to improve your stamina. Keep in mind that everyone is different – you might find some methods more helpful than others, and that's okay. The goal is to build your control gradually, so be patient with yourself. You can try these strategies during solo masturbation practice and then with a partner. Let's explore each:

1. Start-Stop Technique (Edging)

This classic method trains you to recognize your arousal level and pull back before it's too late. It's sometimes called "edging."

Begin stimulating yourself (or have your partner stimulate you) as you normally would. Pay attention to your sensation – you want to catch yourself when you're approaching the "point of no return" (that feeling just before ejaculation). When you feel you're almost there, stop all stimulation. Stay still and take a few deep breaths, allowing the intense urge to fade away. It might take around 30 seconds or a bit more ( source ). Once the urge subsides and you feel calmer, start stimulating again. You can repeat this cycle several times (try for 2–4 times in a session) before finally allowing yourself to climax.

It helps, because by practicing start-stop, you'll gradually get better at recognizing your arousal level and extending your "edge." Over time, this can train your body to delay ejaculation. You can practice this technique during masturbation first to build confidence. Then, communicate with your partner and use it during intercourse – for example, you might pause penetration and hold still when you need to, then continue once you've cooled down a bit. (Feel free to make the pause enjoyable – kiss your partner, change positions, or whisper something romantic so it feels natural.) With patience and repetition, the start-stop method can significantly increase your sexual stamina.

2. The Squeeze Technique

Another well-known method is the squeeze technique (developed by sex therapists Masters and Johnson). The idea here is that by applying gentle pressure to the penis at the critical moment, you can reduce the urge to climax.

Similar to start-stop, you begin by stimulating until you're close to ejaculating. When you're right on the edge of orgasm, firmly (but not painfully) squeeze the end of your penis for a few seconds. The best spot to squeeze is usually just below the glans (head) where the head meets the shaft (you or your partner can use the thumb on the frenulum (underside of the penis) and fingers on top). Hold the squeeze for about 5–10 seconds or until the urgent feeling passes. You'll likely feel your erection soften just a little – that's okay. Once the urge to come has reduced, resume sexual activity. You can repeat the squeeze technique multiple times if needed ( source ).

Many men find that the squeeze technique helps push them back from the brink of orgasm, giving a window of time to continue activity without ejaculating. It can be done during masturbation or intercourse. If doing with a partner, it helps to talk beforehand so they know why you're pausing and squeezing. Some couples even make it a part of foreplay playfully. Keep in mind this technique might interrupt the flow of things, and not everyone likes to stop and squeeze repeatedly – that's normal. You don't have to use it forever; it's a training tool. Over time, just like start-stop, it can help you build confidence in delaying ejaculation.

3. Kegel Exercises (Pelvic Floor Strengthening)

Strengthening these muscles with Kegel exercises can improve your control over ejaculation. You may have heard of Kegel exercises for women, but they are highly useful for men too! Kegels target your pelvic floor muscles, which are the muscles you engage to stop urine flow or to prevent passing gas. These muscles play a role in ejaculation control – if they are stronger, you might be able to hold back ejaculation more effectively.

How to Do It? First, find the right muscles. The easiest way is next time you're urinating, try to stop the stream mid-flow – the muscles that tense up are your pelvic floor. Another way is to imagine you're preventing yourself from passing gas; you'll feel a squeeze around the anus – that's also your pelvic floor engaging. (Don't make a habit of stopping your urine flow all the time; this is just to identify the muscles.)

Once you know how to contract those internal muscles, you can do Kegels anytime (no one can tell you're doing them!). Tighten/contract the pelvic floor muscles, hold for about 3–5 seconds, then relax for 3–5 seconds. Aim to do about 10 contractions per session. As you get stronger, you can hold the squeezes longer (up to 10 seconds). Try to do 3 sets of 10 reps per day. You can do this while lying down, sitting at your desk, or even standing in line – it's very discreet ( source ).

After a few weeks, you should notice improvement in muscle tone. Strong pelvic floor muscles can help you delay ejaculation by consciously squeezing those muscles when you feel close to the edge (similar to how you'd squeeze to stop urine) and by improving your baseline control. Kegels might also lead to stronger erections and even more intense orgasms down the line – nice bonus! Remember to breathe normally as you do them (don't hold your breath) and focus just on the pelvic muscles (try not to also tighten your thighs or abs). Consistency is key – make Kegels a daily routine, and over time you'll likely gain better control during sex.

Breathe Better, Last Longer: How Relaxation Boosts Your Control

When arousal is high and orgasm feels close, you might notice your breathing becomes shallow and your body tenses up. The trick? Flip the script. Deep breathing and full-body relaxation can help delay ejaculation and keep you in control. It's a simple yet powerful technique.

Deep Breathing Technique

As you start approaching climax, pause for a moment and take a slow, deep breath. Inhale through your nose, fill your belly with air, then exhale slowly through your mouth. You might use a pattern like 4-7-8 breathing (inhale for 4 counts, hold for 7, exhale for 8), or any calm rhythm that helps you relax. This kind of breathing tells your body to slow down and cool off. Practicing breathing exercises outside of sex — like in meditation or during stressful moments — can make it second nature when you're in the bedroom.

Stay Physically Relaxed

While you're breathing deeply, do a quick body scan. Are your shoulders tight? Are you clenching your abs or glutes? Consciously relax those muscles. Many men tend to thrust faster or tense up as they near climax — doing the opposite (slowing down, softening your body) can actually help delay orgasm. Some couples find that pausing for a moment just to breathe together adds intimacy and reduces pressure.

Combine with Start-Stop for Best Results

These relaxation techniques are especially effective when used alongside the start-stop method. When you pause stimulation, take those moments to breathe deeply and fully relax your body. This helps lower your arousal just enough to continue — with more control. The more you practice, the more naturally calm and in control you'll feel in the heat of the moment.

Desensitize to Gain Control: Using Condoms and Numbing Aids

If you tend to climax quickly due to heightened sensitivity, reducing penile sensation can be an effective short-term strategy to help you last longer. Think of it as giving yourself a bit more buffer time. Here are two popular options:

Condoms as a Control Tool

Condoms naturally reduce sensation, which can be helpful if you're highly sensitive. Even if you're in a monogamous relationship and don't usually use them for STI or pregnancy prevention, it might be worth trying them as a stamina aid.

Special "extended pleasure" condoms contain a small amount of numbing agent (like benzocaine) on the inside, designed specifically to delay orgasm. You can also experiment with thicker condoms or those made from materials like polyurethane — both tend to dull sensation more than ultra-thin latex versions.

It's a simple trick, but many men are surprised at how much condoms can help them stay in the game longer.

Numbing Creams and Sprays

Topical desensitizers — like lidocaine or prilocaine creams and sprays — are another option. Apply them to the penis 10–15 minutes before sex, let them absorb, and then gently wipe off any excess to avoid numbing your partner.

Used properly, these products reduce stimulation just enough to give you more control, without eliminating pleasure altogether. Many men find that these sprays help extend the time to climax significantly.

That said, don't overdo it — using too much can dull sensation too far and reduce enjoyment. Also, these products aren't meant for constant use unless advised by a doctor, so be sure to follow all instructions on the label.

Using condoms or desensitizing products isn't a sign of weakness — think of them as helpful tools, like training wheels while you build long-term control with techniques like start-stop or Kegels. Especially in the early stages of practice, they can give you the confidence and breathing room to improve.

Prioritize Foreplay and Your Partner's Pleasure

Focusing less on penetration and more on shared intimacy can significantly ease performance pressure — and often, that shift alone can help you last longer. Remember: great sex isn't about lasting forever during intercourse. It's about mutual enjoyment, connection, and satisfaction.

Why Foreplay is a Game-Changer

Shifting your attention to foreplay and your partner's pleasure changes the entire dynamic. Take your time with kissing, touching, oral sex, or using your hands or toys to bring your partner close to — or all the way to — orgasm before penetration even begins.

This approach has several big advantages:

• Your partner already feels satisfied — which takes pressure off the need to "perform" during intercourse.
• Anything that happens afterward is a bonus, not a disappointment.
• Seeing your partner enjoy themselves boosts your own confidence, which naturally helps you relax and gain more control.

Keep the Focus on Their Experience

When you transition to intercourse, keep your focus on how your partner is feeling — not on how close you are to climax. Use slower, more controlled movements and stay tuned in to their reactions. You can even ask them what feels best. This kind of connected, communicative mindset often has the bonus effect of slowing you down naturally.

Quality Over Quantity

Let's say you give your partner 15–20 minutes of foreplay and then have 3–5 minutes of intercourse — that's still a deeply satisfying experience for both of you. Remember: many women don't orgasm from penetration alone, so making foreplay a priority isn't just helpful for PE — it's essential for a fulfilling sex life overall.

Turn Masturbation into a Training Tool

Masturbation isn't just for release — it can actually become a valuable way to improve control over ejaculation. With a few mindful tweaks, solo sessions can help build your stamina and body awareness over time.

Method 1: The Pre-Game Release

If you think you'll be having sex later, try masturbating 1–2 hours beforehand. Many men find that their first orgasm of the day comes faster, but during the second round, they last much longer.

This technique works especially well if:

• You have a short refractory period (you recover quickly).
• You want to remove the "edge" and reduce hypersensitivity before intimacy.

If your recovery time is longer (often the case as we age), consider masturbating earlier in the day so you're ready by the time sex rolls around.

Method 2: Edging During Masturbation

Practice the start-stop technique on your own. Masturbate until you feel yourself getting close to climax, then stop and wait until the sensation subsides. Once it does, begin again. Repeat this cycle a few times before finishing.

You can also integrate the squeeze technique to train even more control.

This helps you:

• Get to know your "point of no return."
• Build your stamina gradually.
• Become more confident and in control during partnered sex.

Think of these sessions as intentional training — not just casual relief. A few dedicated practices per week can yield great progress ( source ).

Tip: Avoid overdoing it right before sex, especially if it leaves you too tired or unaroused. Find the rhythm that works best for your body.

Additional Techniques to Increase Sexual Stamina

Now that you've got the core techniques down, here are some bonus tips that can make a big difference in how long you last — and how much you and your partner enjoy it.

Explore Different Positions

Some sex positions may naturally help you last longer by reducing intensity or allowing more control. Try experimenting with:

• Woman-on-top ("cowgirl") or side-by-side (spooning) – These often slow things down and let you stay more relaxed.
• Missionary or doggy style – These can be deeply arousing, but sometimes too stimulating, so go easy or save them for later in the session ( source ).

Pro Tip: If a position feels too intense, switch it up or slow your thrusts to stay in control.

Take Strategic Breaks

Pause during sex to regain control — and boost pleasure. You can:

• Change positions
• Kiss or caress your partner's body
• Use your hands or mouth to keep them stimulated

It gives you a breather and keeps the mood alive. Integrated with the start-stop method, this can feel very natural and sexy.

Distract (When Needed)

If you feel yourself approaching climax too quickly, you can briefly focus on something non-sexual — like a random task or a mundane thought. This can buy you a few extra moments.

Just be mindful not to lose arousal or seem mentally checked out. A quick, quiet reset can do the trick.

Use the "Second Round" Strategy

If you finish quickly, no worries! Many men last significantly longer during the second round. After a short recovery, try again — this time with more confidence and control.

Make the in-between time part of the fun: cuddle, laugh, touch, or talk. When you're ready, round two is often where stamina shines.

Improve Your Lifestyle for Long-Term Gains

Your general health plays a huge role in sexual stamina. Small changes can lead to big benefits:

• Exercise regularly — especially core and pelvic-strengthening workouts
• Eat balanced meals and stay hydrated
• Limit alcohol and avoid smoking
• Reduce stress and get quality sleep

All of this supports better sexual performance and can reinforce your other techniques like Kegels or edging ( source ).

Remember: You don't need to master every tip overnight. Start with one or two that resonate most — maybe Kegels + start-stop during masturbation — and gradually build your stamina over time. The journey to better control is all about patience, practice, and persistence.

Real-Life Example: How John and Emily Made Stop-Start Work

Sometimes, it's easier to understand a technique when you see it in action. Let's walk through a real-life-style scenario with a couple: John and Emily.

The Challenge

John had been dealing with premature ejaculation. He typically lasted just a minute or two during intercourse, and while Emily reassured him that their intimacy still felt meaningful, John couldn't help but feel frustrated and worried that she might be unsatisfied.

The Plan

After reading about the start-stop technique, John decided to give it a try. He shared the idea with Emily, who was open and supportive. They agreed to go slow and use the technique the next time they were intimate.

Putting It Into Practice

That evening, they started with long, loving foreplay — kissing, massage, and oral — which helped them both get deeply aroused. By the time John entered Emily, she was already very stimulated, and he was excited but a little nervous.

As they began moving together, John stayed aware of his sensations. After about a minute, he felt the "point of no return" creeping up. Instead of panicking or trying to push through, he gently told Emily: "Let's slow down for a second."

She smiled knowingly and wrapped her arms around him. They paused. John focused on deep breathing, calming his racing heart. The intense urge to climax faded.

The Result

After 30 seconds or so, John felt back in control. They resumed. This time, he noticed he was lasting longer. When he neared the edge again, he paused on his own, playfully whispering:

"Hang on… I want to enjoy you a little more."

Emily giggled, teasing him gently while they waited. They resumed again — and this time, John was able to hold off until Emily got close to orgasm herself. When he finally allowed himself to climax, it had been several minutes of mindful, connected intimacy. Emily climaxed shortly after.

What They Learned

Afterward, they lay next to each other, smiling. John was thrilled — not just because he lasted longer, but because they felt closer and more connected than ever. Emily mentioned how the slow pacing and pauses actually built anticipationand made the whole experience more satisfying.

John realized that what used to be a stressful moment ("Oh no, I'm about to come!") could now be a playful, intimate pause. That shift in mindset gave him a huge confidence boost — and turned a technique into a bonding experience.

Let's Talk About It: How to Communicate with Your Partner About PE

Open conversations about sex — especially topics like premature ejaculation (PE) — might feel uncomfortable at first, but they can actually bring you and your partner closer than ever. Most supportive partners would rather understand what's going on than be left in the dark. So how do you break the ice? Let's walk through it step by step.

Pick the Right Moment

Timing matters. Choose a calm, private moment, not during or right after sex when emotions are high. Try bringing it up during a cuddle, a walk, or while you're simply relaxing together. You could start by saying:

• "There's something I've been thinking about that I'd love to talk to you about."

Be Honest — But Keep It Positive

Speak from a place of care. Let your partner know you've been finishing sooner than you'd like and that you want to work on it together. For example:

• "I love being with you, and I've noticed I sometimes finish quicker than I want to. I really want us both to enjoy sex as much as possible."

This framing shows you're not blaming anyone — you're just aiming to make a good thing even better.

Offer Reassurance (To Them and Yourself)

Your partner may not fully understand what PE is. Reassure them that it's common and treatable. And let them know it's not because they aren't attractive — quite the opposite! Often, PE happens because you're so turned on by your partner.

You might say something like:

• "If I ever pull away suddenly, it's not because I'm not into you. It's actually because I'm so into you that I need a second to stay in control."

A little reassurance goes a long way.

Make It a Team Effort

Invite them to be part of the solution. You could say:

• "I've read about a couple of techniques that can help me last longer. Would you be open to trying them together?"

Let them know about methods like the start-stop or squeeze technique so they understand what you might do during sex. When your partner knows what to expect, they're more likely to feel comfortable — and maybe even excited — to try it with you.

Avoid Criticism, Embrace Support

If you are the partner of someone with PE, this part's for you: Be patient. Be kind. Hurtful comments like "What's wrong with you?" or comparisons to past lovers can deeply damage intimacy and confidence.

Instead, encourage small wins, laugh together when things get awkward, and celebrate the fact that you're both learning.

Why Talking Helps So Much

Open communication helps break the cycle of silence and shame. You might be surprised — your partner could even admit to their own insecurities. For example, some partners worry they're not "hot enough" if their partner finishes quickly.

Talking clears the air. It's also a chance to talk about other ways to create pleasure, like through foreplay, oral sex, or toys — so even if intercourse is short, your intimacy stays rich and satisfying.

If PE is still causing distress or anxiety after trying a few things together, consider seeing a sex therapist or counselor as a couple. They can guide you both through it in a caring, shame-free way.

But in many cases, all it takes is open dialogue, mutual support, and a bit of experimentation to start making real progress — together.

Moving Forward with Confidence: Encouragement & Next Steps

Dealing with premature ejaculation can feel frustrating or disheartening at times — but here's the truth: you can improve, and many men do. In fact, most people who commit to the strategies we've discussed (like edging, Kegels, and open communication) begin to see real changes. Even if it's just lasting one minute longer this week, two next month — that's progress worth celebrating.

Progress Isn't Always Linear — and That's Okay

You might still have the occasional "off" day. That's completely normal. What matters is how you respond: instead of feeling discouraged, remind yourself that building sexual stamina is like learning a new skill — whether it's music, fitness, or anything else. Consistency, not perfection, is the key to long-term success.

Keep your mindset positive and self-compassionate. Harsh self-talk or pressure often makes things worse. But patience and a bit of humor? Game-changers.

Communication Makes a Difference

As you get more comfortable with techniques and start communicating openly with your partner, sex tends to become less stressful — and way more fun. You'll feel more in control, which boosts your confidence. And yes, confidence alone can help you last longer. It's a feedback loop that works in your favor.

Your partner will also appreciate the thought and effort you're putting in. Remember: it's not about a stopwatch — it's about mutual satisfaction.

When to Consider Professional Support

If you've tried the strategies here for a while and still feel stuck, or if PE is causing stress in your relationship, it might be worth reaching out to a healthcare provider. A general doctor or urologist can help assess whether a medical issue is at play, and they might suggest:

• Medications (e.g., low-dose antidepressants to delay ejaculation)
• Topical anesthetics
• Or referrals to a sex therapist or counselor for more customized help

Seeking professional guidance doesn't mean you've failed — it just means you're investing in a better sex life. Even a few sessions can provide relief, clarity, and faster results ( source ).

Here's what really matters: You're taking action. You care. You're learning. That already sets you apart.

With patience, practice, and a little experimentation, most men go from ejaculating in under a minute to enjoying more satisfying, controlled, and connected sex. You don't need to become a "superhuman lover" — just someone who feels in tune with their body and their partner.

Take Action Against Premature Ejaculation Today

PE is nothing to be ashamed of — it's a common, human experience. The fact that you care enough to read this, to reflect, and to work on it? That says a lot about your character.

Picture yourself in the near future — feeling confident, relaxed, and enjoying sex without stress. That's within reach. Every small step gets you closer.

Just remember to:

• Be kind to yourself
• Laugh when things feel awkward
• Celebrate every bit of progress

And most importantly — know that by working on PE, you're not just improving stamina — you're becoming a more caring, present, and connected partner.

Here's to deeper intimacy, longer pleasure, and less pressure in the bedroom. You're on the right track. Keep going.

Got questions, thoughts, or a personal story you want to share? Drop them below — your experience might help someone else feel less alone. Let's support each other on this journey.

You've taken the first step by simply reading this guide — and that's already something that sets you apart. Now try putting one piece of advice into practice. Whether it's a breathing technique, a Kegel exercise, or a simple, honest conversation with your partner — start small, but start today.

Do you have a question or a victory you'd like to share? Leave it in the comments, and let's turn quiet concerns into open support — and get to talking. You're not alone. You're learning. And you've got this.